Mom-Shaming – WTF…

This post started because I was so disturbed by a post within a mom group that I saw. Let’s be very honest – those mom groups can be something else! And I’ll be even more honest & say that I am in alllll the mom groups *eeks!* There’s something about watching a train wreck that I love, I guess. I do have some mom groups that truly help me & are very inspiring (shout out to 2017 Triplets & my Glisters!), but I would say 85% of them are on my feed solely for the drama, what can I say?

Back to my story – so I’m scrolling through my feed & I see in one of the groups someone posted about her ending her breast feeding journey. I get it, I didn’t last but a few months – it’s hard! I was going to scroll through it, but curiosity got the best of me & BAM – the comments were like a bomb going off! So let me start with this, the poor mother was having a hard time with ending her BF’ing journey – as we all have at one point – & she was beating herself up about it. Many comments were endearing & empowering (cheers & claps!), but there were also many that were so horrifying I actually felt like crying for this mom. I don’t know where the term “breast is best” came from, but I’m pretty sure as long as you’re feeding your child you’re doing “best”. It amazed me how many people basically told her to put herself through hell – mentally & physically – to continue to BF her baby. ABSURD!

Moms who are thinking of ending their BF’ing journey – you are a GREAT mom! You tried one way, it isn’t working out (for whatever reason), so move on to another way. And thank goodness we have amazing technology & science to allow formula to be a phenomenal option! And this goes with anything! Don’t even get me started on the “should I stay at home or go back to work” craziness. From one stay-at-home-mom – this is ish is crazy and most days I feel trapped in my home and want to go to work – that doesn’t make me a bad mom, it makes me human.

Now to my biggest point of contention – WHY ARE WE SHAMING EACH OTHER? This mom-ing thing is hard – it doesn’t matter if you’re a SAHM, a working mom, a BF’ing mom, or a mom who doesn’t give her kids organic (*hand raised*)! I’ve never been so exhausted from being around tiny humans in my life! Day in & day out we give everything we have to our children & most days put our wants & needs last. And if you, as a Mom, are worried you’re not good enough or not doing everything perfect – you are doing it right, I promise you! The fact that you’re worried about it makes you a GREAT Mom. We argue with tiny humans (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten into an argument with a 14 month old *eye roll*), we bite our tongues when our significant others’ come home & say they’re tired (*another eye roll*), all on top of keeping the house standing, somewhat clean, & the children fed & somewhat clean. SOOO – we should all be high-fiving each other – in the store when a tantrum is happening, in the public bathroom when we’re changing a crap diaper, & in the event that one mom needs to do something for her sanity that maybe another mom doesn’t fully understand – high-fives all around. Because let’s all be real for a minute, none of us are perfect & when push comes to shove, we all do what’s in the best interest of of our children & our family (& yes, that includes us too because we keep this train moving). *High-fives, hugs, & cheers to all the moms out there!*

The Trips Came Home!

Bringing the trips home was an experience I can never really put into words. The NICU experience was something that needs it’s own post (and it will), however, the “bringing home” experience was something I still think about quite often. J came home on June 4th, Z came home on June 10th, and A came home on June 12th. Bringing J home was spectacular – FINALLY a baby home, feeling like a real mom. I waited for this moment for over 33 days. Ask NICU mom – you truly don’t feel like a Mom until you are able to hold your baby without wires and you can be the “sole caretaker” instead of the nurses. Here it was.. Spectacular!

I took this sweet boy home and he was fantastic. We were up in the middle of the night feeding, doing the normal “new parent thing”. Then the next morning came and I had to manage getting myself ready, this little baby ready, getting out the door, and going to visit his brothers. I thought days before this would happen: This will be easy! People take their little ones out all of the time! OMG! I totally understand why some new moms do not leave the house within the first month of having their little one. I had to do this for 6 days – getting myself ready, getting him ready, getting in the car, driving to the city, going to the hospital, taking care of three babies (one of which didn’t have a nurse attached to anymore), leaving two babies to go back to the car in the city with my newborn, going home, trying not to cry the whole night (because I felt so guilty having one home and not the other two), shoving down some random food, trying to get some sleep throughout the night, then doing it all over again. It was unmanageable.

Then we were able to bring Z home and we had 2 babies home – wow! Thank goodness my parents were able to come help – we were in over our heads. We had 2 nights of 2 babies, then A came home. At that point, my mom was with J & Z and I went and got A by myself (hubby was working). It was chaotic! The first night we had all three home it was wild – I don’t remember most of it, honestly. Tom & I were so tired and were drowning so much that we didn’t know what to do. It took a little while, but we got into a grove, which was helpful. But let’s be honest, no grove (routine, schedule, whatever you want to call it) can prepare you for three tiny humans who are controlling your whole life.

There were arguments – many arguments. Every couple goes through this with one new baby – everyone is tired, no one thinks the other is doing enough or correctly – it’s mayhem! People ask how we did it – honestly, we just did. It’s all relative, really. Having one is hard, having three is hard. We don’t know what it’s like to have one baby – I would assume we would have had some of the same arguments and gone through the same challenges. I think the biggest difference was that I wasn’t comfortable leaving the house by myself with three babies for a while, plus A has a heart condition, so it was imperative that he not get sick. So I was stuck in the house all. the. time. Outside of that, we had a lot of the same issues that all other new parents have. It made us stronger as a couple, showed us we could handle a lot, and taught us to communicate much better than we ever had, BUT I’m glad it’s over!

SAHM in All of It’s Glory!

I want to start with being a Stay At Home Mom (& I’m capitalizing because it truly is a job title) extremely rewarding. Seeing all of the boys’ firsts is something that I wouldn’t trade for anything – & I truly mean that. Every day they do something new & I am there to witness it. I am so so so very grateful to be able to do this & I don’t want anyone to think that I’m not.

BUT – let’s be real for a second. I worked in Corporate America before having the trips & LOVED it. I was a manager & truly loved having control over situations – it’s in my blood. Even at home, I always had lists & schedules – everything went into a calendar & we followed the calendar (or I had near meltdowns!). So when it came time to make the decision if I was going to end my professional career – turn in the high heels for yoga pants & makeup for pony tails – I thought “I got this – I’m made to do this!” Um, no… I quickly learned that you can have all of the expectations & schedules you want – you don’t make your world, your children do.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think every parent should have a schedule – babies thrive on schedules. But don’t think that they will just follow it to your liking & there won’t be any setbacks. And when the setbacks happen – WATCH OUT. Life gets out of control! During the trips’ 8-10 month sleep regression (who knew children can have so many sleep regressions btw!) I almost gave up, took off in my car, & never turned back. What kept me going you may ask… Who was going to take care of these little ones? I knew their “schedule” & how they liked to be tucked in at night & how they needed to be held when they bumped their head & their favorite books.. the list goes on & on. Also, I’d probably end up missing them by the time my wheels left the driveway. So instead of leaving, I cried when they woke up after sleeping for 40 minutes, cried when they were so tired they didn’t know whether to smile or cry, & cried after they went to bed because I felt like such a failure. In my mind, I had ONE job – & I was failing miserably. If I was my boss I’d be putting myself on a Performance Improvement Plan or Corrective Action. By nature I’m a control freak – I like to know what is going on, when it is happening, & what my part in the situation is. With these little babies, I don’t know the answers to any of these questions & it just drives me insane!

What does a girl like me do in these types of situations? First, I freak out – WTF?! Then, I make a plan – do some research, ask some of my support group (shout out to the Triplets 2017 Facebook group!) & create a revised plan/schedule. When my new revised schedule goes to complete crap, I cry & take it out on others (usually my hubby, poor guy). I really want to say “this is a phase & it will pass” but I also know that a new phase will start & we’ll start all over again. I understand that this is something that will continue on & on until they are grown – each phase has it’s challenges & the feeling of having no control will happen all over again. I also understand that I should just learn to deal with it… it’s hard! All I can hope for is that each new phase will bring some positives too & those around me will understand that I can get a little crazy, but we’ll all get through it.

Have a glass of wine & hope for a better day tomorrow. Cheers!